- Open to Herc and Napoleon getting on Herc's spaceship
- Napoleon asks why they have to go off-planet
- Herc says he's sick of waiting around for Napoleon to figure out Swarm 1 on his own and figures they should start actively looking for a solution
- Kucorbian sneaks on board while nobody is looking (but spoopily)
- Herc says they'll probably be back within a month
- Cut to one month later repeating the same shitty joke from Act 1
- Napoleon lists off some stuff they did during that month to point out how none of it got them any closer to figuring out Swarm 1 (including some references to the original miniseries and the crossover episode with Rebooted)
"Do you not remember how much pointless sidequesting we did?!" Napoleon threw his arms into the air. "That planet with the weird giant heads-"
"Which was your fault." Herculian pointed out.
"The optician thing where we got attacked by that gang-"
"Again, your fault."
"That thing at the Archives of Oberon with the really angsty kid where we got attacked by that gang again-"
"I can't even begin to fathom how you could pin that one on me."
"I'm not trying to pin anything on anyone, I'm just saying we did a whole bunch of stuff that got us all of nowhere! We could've just been sitting around on Earth for the past month and gotten about as far in figuring out what Swarm 1 is or where it came from or how it works or literally anything!"
"Well excuse me for actually trying to do something productive!" Herculian snapped. "You've done absolutely nothing to try and figure out how it works!"
"It's not like this thing comes with a user's manual!" Napoleon protested. "What am I supposed to do, say "Swarm 1 Guide Activate" and expect something to pop out of thin ai-"
Napoleon was interrupted by Swarm 1 suddenly swirling off to the side and creating a solid orange and purple robotic humanoid figure in a flash of purple light.
"Good afternoon." The robotic figure spoke in a feminine voice. "I am the Swarm 1 Guide Construct. How may I assist you today?"
Herculian and Napoleon stared at the new construct for a few seconds in awkward silence before turning to stare at each other.
"You could have done that..." Herculian's right eye began twitching. "THIS ENTIRE TIME?!"
"Hey, it's not like you thought of it either!"
"How may I assist you today?" The construct repeated in a slightly impatient tone.
- While they're arguing the ship suddenly makes a jump to the Anur System (because Kucorbian's being a cheeky bitch but that doesn't get spelled out yet)
- They crash-land on Anur Transyl and Kucorbian reveals himself like the flamboyant motherfucker he is
- The crowd of civilians flies into chaos and a Transylian gestures Napoleon and Herculian over to take shelter in his basement alongside some other citizens.
"Geez, thanks man." Napoleon heaved a sigh of relief. "That guy's a real pain in the-"
Napoleon turned around and cut himself off as he saw a crowd of civilians huddled up in the basement, all of them staring at him apprehensively.
"Uh..." Napoleon's face twisted in confusion. "What's with them?"
"You'll have to excuse them." The Transylian that had ushered Napoleon into the cellar replied. "The Anur System has only recently fallen under Plumber jurisdiction. We're still not used to outsiders."
"I'm guessing it doesn't help that Kucorbian hijacked my ship to get here." Herculian huffed.
"Not particularly, no."
"So why'd you help us?" Napoleon asked.
"We're skittish, not heartless." The Transylian huffed. "And at any rate, I personally happen to have quite an interest in outsiders and their culture. It's why I became a librarian here in the first place."
"This is a library?"
"Did all the books on the upper level really not tip you off?" Herculian snapped.
"I was a little distracted at the time, okay?!"
"More importantly, why is there a hidden bunker in the cellar of a library?" Herculian raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "Seems a little odd."
"It's a remnant from the Transylian Revolt." The librarian tapped against the marbled red and green stone wall of the cellar. "Solid bloodstone. Impervious to Vladat assault."
"So what's that pumpkin-head's deal, anyway?" Napoleon asked. "It seems like he has some history here."
"Lord Kucorbian is originally from the Anur System." The librarian explained. "He was banished to Earth some five thousand years ago. I never thought I'd see him with my own eyes."
"Hold up a second." Napoleon scratched the side of his head. "If he got banished to Earth five thousand years ago, how do you know about it? Are you guys like immortal or something?"
"...Does history class not exist on Earth?"
"It does, but they never talk about the cool stuff." Napoleon shrugged. "The heck did this guy do that he's part of your standard curriculum?"
"He committed genocide." The librarian narrowed his eyes.
"...Oh." Napoleon paused. "Okay, that's a pretty good reason."
"You think you could elaborate on that?" Herculian asked gruffly, leaning against the wall. "He seems dangerous, but not "wipe out a civilization" dangerous."
"Kucorbian was originally the High Lord of the Anima Devorantum."
"The what now?" Napoleon asked.
"Kucorbian's species." The librarian cleared his throat. "The Anima Devorantum were known for their ability to gain power from absorbing souls, but their reclusive nature meant they were never seen as a threat. Until Kucorbian, that is."
The librarian paused, rubbing the bridge of his nose and letting out a heavy sigh before continuing.
"Kucorbian, for reasons known only to him, turned on his people. They fought back, of course, but every new army they sent was simply a new batch of souls to make him stronger. Maybe if they had recognized what he was capable of sooner, they could have defeated him, but as it was...he slaughtered them like animals."
The tension in the room was palpable as Napoleon and Herculian waited for the librarian to continue.
"Trade with the Anima Devorantum was minimal at best, but when it ceased altogether, the Vladats became suspicious." The librarian further explained. "They sent a search party of Transylian slaves to investigate. None of them survived."
"Okay, there's that word again." Napoleon tilted his head to the side. "What's a Vladat?"
"Vampiric aliens that once enslaved the Transylians and ruled the Anur System. They've been extinct for centuries now."
"Well, okay then."
"Continuing on," The librarian said. "More search parties were sent after the first one never returned. Eventually, the Vladats had to investigate for themselves. That's when they found Kucorbian and realized what had occurred."
"And that was when they banished him?"
"That was when they began trying." The librarian tapped his foot nervously. "Many lives were lost in the ensuing battle, but through the combined forces of every remaining species in the Anur System, they were able to kill him."
"Sounds like they didn't do a very good job of that." Herculian scoffed.
"Unfortunately, Kucorbian's soul is immortal." The librarian explained. "If his body is destroyed, he can simply take over another body and make it his own."
"That explains how he was able to come back after I exploded him." Napoleon noted thoughtfully. "So I didn't screw that up!"
"What?" The librarian looked confused.
"Ignore him." Herculian said. "Keep going."
"...Alright then." The librarian blinked. "Anyway, unable to permanently kill Kucorbian, the Vladats banished him to a backwater planet where he would be hunted by the primitive inhabitants for the rest of his days, however long that may be."
"Earth." Napoleon nodded.
"Precisely. The Vladats sent an entourage of various Anur species to Earth along with Kucorbian to make sure he was kept in line. Unfortunately, their plan for Kucorbian's fate backfired, and from what I understand, Kucorbian capitalized on his abilities among the humans whereas his intended jailers were confused with mildly similar Earth legends and hunted down as such."
"I guess that explains Earth's anachronistic view of their own legends." Herculian grumbled. "Modern Earth monsters are more similar to Anur species than their original goddamn counterparts."
"Yes, from what I've read, the Anur species' presence on Earth did influence their culture a fair amount." The librarian nodded. "Even Kucorbian himself was likely responsible for influencing the legend of an infamous mythical horseman."
"Paul Revere, of course..." Napoleon mumbled.
"...What-" The librarian began, only for Herculian to gesture to him to stop talking.
"You're not going to get a satisfactory answer." Herculian stated flatly. "Nobody ever does."
"Alright, I think I got all that, but I still have one last question." Napoleon said.
"Which would be...?"
"Why does Kucorbian wear a pumpkin over his head?" Napoleon gestured to his own head to accentuate his point.
"It's not a real 'pumpkin', but I suppose that's the closest Earth nomenclature." The librarian replied. "All Anima Devorantum wore them before they were killed off by Kucorbian. There's very little information on the subject, but from what I've been able to gather, the mythology surrounding the 'pumpkins' is similar to the old Earth tradition of covering your mouth when you yawn to prevent your soul from escaping. Legend has it that seeing a Devorantum's true face gives the observer the power to tear their soul from their bodies, or something similar to that. As I said, scant information."
"Hardcore." Napoleon whistled. "Welp, thanks for the info, librarian dude! I'm off to kick Kucorbian's ass."
Napoleon turned and began crawling up the ladder leading out of the cellar.
"Wait a minute, have you not listened to a word I just said?!" The librarian yelled. "He'll rip out your soul!"
"Don't worry about it!" Napoleon turned to give the librarian a thumbs up. "I beat him before, and I'll do it again!"
"You...beat him before?" The librarian asked in disbelief.
"Apparently so." Herculian sighed. "I wasn't there, so I can't confirm it, but I don't think he's lying."
"You guys just sit tight!" Napoleon grinned. "I'll be back in a jiggy!"
Napoleon completed his ascent up the ladder, leaving the cellar and its very confused inhabitants behind.
"A...jiggy?" The librarian questioned.
"Jiffy." Herculian let out a deep sigh of frustration. "He meant 'jiffy'."
The skeletal warlord turned around to see Napoleon standing on the other side of the square, assuming a rather dramatic fighting stance.
"Well, look who it is." Kucorbian chuckled. "The Earth brat who brought me back to my home system. I'd thank you for that, but I really don't have the patience."
"You snuck on board, you jerk!" Napoleon snapped. "And we weren't even going to the Anur System before you hijacked the ship! Stop acting like this is my fault somehow!"
"If you don't like what I'm saying, you're free to try shutting me up." Kucorbian taunted. "But be warned, I've absorbed a good number of new souls while you were running away, so I'm a bit more powerful than I was in our last encounter."
"Don't screw with me!" Napoleon yelled. "If you absorbed so many souls, where are the bodies, huh? You're bluffing!"
"You really are an idiot." Kucorbian smirked. "I can create normal fire in addition to my Hellfire. It's a bit of a pain, so I wouldn't ordinarily use it, but it's a rather convenient way of clearing out a pile of corpses."
"A pile of..." Napoleon's eyes widened. "How many people did you kill?!"
"I stopped keeping track at some point." Kucorbian replied. "You're free to try estimating a number for yourself, though. Each corpse leaves an average scorch mark of a few feet in length and about a foot in width. Look around the square and tell me what you see."
Napoleon looked down at the cobblestone of the once-crowded area, his blood running cold as he realized the ground of the entire square was scorched a charcoal black.
"What do you think?" The expression on Kucorbian's pumpkin took on a malevolent grin. "Not bad for someone who's been out of practice for a few centuries, wouldn't you say?"
Napoleon's only response to this was an enraged yell as he began running at Kucorbian, who scoffed and began running towards Napoleon as well. The two met in the center of the square, each punching the other square in the face and knocking each other back a few feet. Napoleon spat out some blood and summoned a broadsword construct, charging at Kucorbian with the intent to slice him in half like in their last encounter. Kucorbian instantly recognized the attack and stepped off to the side just as Napoleon brought the sword down at his head.
"Do you honestly believe I would fall for the same attack twice?! Kucorbian crowed, punching Napoleon in the gut and knocking the wind out of him. "Useless!"
Kucorbian grabbed Napoleon by the arm and flipped him over, smashing him into the cobblestone face-first. He grinned and backed away, preparing a blast of his soul-stealing fire to finish the job. Fully expecting Napoleon to have been knocked out cold by his last move, he was caught a tad off-guard as Napoleon suddenly muttered something about transforming right before his body suddenly glowed a bright white and morphed into a large blue shark-like alien with black markings.
Napoleon's new form pulled itself up off the ground and turned to face Kucorbian with a toothy grin that revealed several rows of sharp triangular teeth. Kucorbian reflexively shot off a blast of Hellfire, which was swiftly countered by the shark alien opening their own mouth and shooting out a blast of water. The two blasts collided and cancelled each other out with a hiss of steam.
"Since when can you transform into...whatever that is supposed to be?!" Kucorbian snapped.
"Since whenever I want!" Napoleon smugly replied. "And for the record, I call this guy Sharktank."
"It doesn't matter what you call it!" Kucorbian snapped. "In a few moments, it will be little more than ground meat!"
Kucorbian lunged forward and tried raking his sharpened fingers across Sharktank's skin, only for Sharktank to sidestep him and clamp down on his body with his large jaws. Sharktank flung Kucorbian around like a ragdoll, cracking a few of his bones in the process, then shot him out of his mouth with a blast of highly pressurized water. Kucorbian hit the ground hard, skidding across the cobblestone a good few meters before stopping.
"What's wrong, Kucorbian?!" Napoleon taunted. "Didn't you say something about turning me into ground meat?"
Kucorbian wordlessly pulled himself off the ground and gave Napoleon a blank look before suddenly bursting out into maniacal laughter.
"Oh, you're good." Kucorbian chuckled. "I'm going to have fun tearing you apart."
"You know, I was just about to say the same thing!"
The two charged at each other again. Sharktank brought his scythe-like fins down towards Kucorbian as soon as he was within reach, but Kucorbian slid under the attack and grabbed Sharktank's tail, using the momentum of his slide to plant his feet in the ground and hurl Sharktank over onto his back. Before Sharktank got a chance to fire off another water blast, Kucorbian stomped down on his chest and ripped off his right arm, driving the scythe end through his stomach. Sharktank roared in pain and knocked Kucorbian away, a white glow surrounding him as he reverted back into human form.
"What the hell was that?!" Napoleon yelled.
"Survival of the fittest, child!" Kucorbian laughed. "I've lived among you humans for five thousand years! Even if you transform into something alien, you still think like a human, and humans are ridiculously predictable!"
"Predictable?!" Napoleon snapped. "Of all the things you could call me, nobody calls me predictable!"
Napoleon summoned a massive broadsword wreathed in purple flames and charged at Kucorbian with an infuriated battle cry. Kucorbian's only response was a slight smirk.
"Nobody calls you predictable, you say?"
Napoleon swung his broadsword down at Kucorbian's head, but Kucorbian, seemingly anticipating the move, knocked the blade of the sword away from his head and firmly grabbed it.
"I have to admit I find that surprising."
Kucorbian crushed the part of the broadsword he was holding as if he were crushing a soda can.
"Because you, Napoleon Eldridge, are one of the most sadly predictable opponents I have ever met."
Napoleon dissipated the sword and tried to punch Kucorbian in the face. Kucorbian quickly grabbed Napoleon's fist with his right hand, firmly clutching it in his grip.
"You use the same strategies and make the same mistakes over and over just like everyone else, but unlike most people, you can't seem to accept the fact that you're only average at best."
Kucorbian kneed Napoleon in the gut, knocking the wind out of him. Napoleon almost fell to the ground, but was kept up by Kucorbian's grip on his hand.
"You want so badly to be something special without putting in the work that you flat-out reject reality instead of trying to improve yourself."
Kucorbian let go of Napoleon's fist and punched him in the head, firmly knocking him over.
"Your powers don't make you special, they just make you lucky. You didn't earn them. You just so happened to come across them."
Kucorbian grabbed Napoleon by the neck and lifted him into the air.
"I've met thousands of people exactly as delusional as you, and I don't remember a single name out of the lot. Nobody does. Your kind don't deserve a place in history."
Kucorbian leaned back, starting to wind up for a massive throw.
"Now perish like the rest."
Kucorbian heaved Napoleon as if he was throwing a human javelin, hurling him through the air with incredible force. Napoleon's limp body smashed through several stone buildings before finally landing in an alleyway somewhere away from the square. Kucorbian spared a small smile for his handiwork before regaining a more serious expression.
"Now..." Kucorbian began walking towards the buildings in front of him. "To find those villagers."
Napoleon's sight went blurry as he desperately tried to stay conscious. His body felt like it had been run through a meat grinder, and all things considered, probably didn't look much better than that. He tried to move his legs, but a sharp burst of new pain let him know that they weren't facing the right way for him to do that at the moment. His attempts to get Swarm 1 to do something, anything to get him out of this situation were ultimately fruitless as he was unable to work up enough focus to command the nanomachines surrounding him.
As much as he hated to admit it, he was completely screwed.
"Of all those who have ever encountered the Swarm, you have the least right to believe that."
Napoleon managed to wrench his eyes open long enough to find an odd man wearing a white suit with purple accents standing aside him as if he had appeared from thin air. The man looked off into the distance as if to half-heartedly search for something on the horizon he knew would not be there.
"Your situation is rather grim, I will admit, but not entirely hopeless." The man continued. "The Swarm is a device with infinite potential. Being the host of the Swarm means you will always have the tools you need to save yourself, assuming you can use them." The man looked down at Napoleon with an almost disinterested expression. "But it seems you've given up on the idea."
Napoleon tried to reply with a scathing remark that probably wasn't quite as clever as he thought it was, but was unable to muster up the energy.
"I have no means of nor interest in helping those who will not help themselves, but I do have a rather vested interest in keeping the Swarm out of the wrong hands." The man noted. "I can't say you're the right hands, necessarily, but your heart is in the right place. Figuratively speaking. Speaking literally, it's about two inches to the left of its optimal position. You should fix that."
Napoleon could only muster up the energy to shoot the man a frustrated glare.
"You seem perturbed. Not that I particularly care."
Napoleon's left eye began twitching.
"It's a shame, really. I had high expectations for someone able to handle the Swarm, but I suppose that was unrealistic of me."
Napoleon silently clenched his fist.
"You are just a child, after all." The man turned away from Napoleon. "An arrogant, overconfident child that does nothing but get himself in over his head, and when push comes to shove, drops the ball like a sack of bricks. You may not be evil or anything, but even then, I can hardly imagine the Swarm happening upon a worse host."
"Would...you...shut up?!" Napoleon snapped, a sudden fire rising in his veins that seemed to override the burning pain. "I'm fighting an evil overlord who killed off an entire planet and I just got knocked through a fucking building! My bones are about ninety percent chunks and mush right now! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!"
The man turned to look at Napoleon with a blank expression.
Something snapped inside Napoleon that swapped out his intense pain with the feeling of pure rage. Unable to process anything other than the desire to stand up and punch this pretentious stranger right in his stupid face, Napoleon proceeded to attempt just that. He flew to his feet and whirled around only to find himself facing nothing but thin air. The sound of someone clearing their throat behind him prompted him to turn around again, where he found the man standing with his arms crossed.
"Well, that certainly took long enough." The man said, pretending to check a nonexistent watch.
"What are you talking about now?!" Napoleon yelled. "These stupid mind games are really getting on my nerves and wait a second how am I standing up?"
"It's like I said." The man replied. "The Swarm will always provide you with what you need. You were just lacking proper motivation."
Napoleon looked himself over and found Swarm 1's various nanobots buzzing around his skin, repairing the last of the damaged tissue caused by his recent trip through a solid structure.
"Wait, so you're telling me that if I get really angry, it helps me use Swarm 1 better?"
"It will provide you with a unique boost of energy, yes, but not for the reason you're-"
"You think I could use that kind of boost to beat Kucorbian?"
"Yes, but it's not a viable long-term-"
"Alright, thanks, ominous suit guy that appeared out of nowhere!" Napoleon ran off before the man could finish his sentence. "Talk to you later!"
"...I have to rely on that idiot to protect the Swarm." The man muttered to himself in a contemplative manner. "What a mess this is turning out to be."
Herc paced back and forth in the shelter as the citizens of the village watched him curiously. After a few minutes, he eventually grumbled and began climbing up the ladder leading out of the basement.
"Hold on a moment!" The librarian exclaimed. "You're going out too?!"
"I kind of have to." Herculian replied. "I kind of need that idiot alive."
"You mean the human?"
"Wouldn't he come back to the shelter if things got too dangerous for him to handle?"
"Maybe if he wasn't a moron." He grumbled. "As it is, he keeps fighting for people he doesn't even know no matter how likely it is that he'll get himself killed. He's too stupid to give up, so I have to get out there and save his ass half the time."
"At any rate, I'm off." Herculian continued climbing up the ladder. "Next time you see me, I'll either be dead or angry. Probably both."
"This is just pathetic." Kucorbian sighed. "You're too scared of me to get well and truly angry. There's no point to putting off your death."
"Shut up!" Napoleon snapped, inwardly aware that Kucorbian was correct but remaining too stubborn to admit it.
- Napoleon gets Fucking Pissed™ and finally goes BURSTO
- Toucon Kaigan: Boost! Ore ga Boost! Furitatsu Ghost! GO! (Fight!) GO! (Fight!) GO! (Fight!)
- BURSTO Napoleon™ beats the FUCC out of Kucorbian, destroying his current body and capturing his soul in a Swarm 1 jar.
- The citizens of Anur Transyl celebrate the capture of Kucorbian and mourn the loss of the librarian.
- Napoleon and Herculian say their goodbyes and return to Herculian's ship.
- While Swarm 1 fixes the ship, Suit Guy reappears and tells Napoleon not to get too ahead of himself since the ZENTURI™ are coming
- Napoleon asks what the fucc those are and Suit Guy explains a bit before suddenly fizzly dizzlying and saying he's spent too much time here before vanishing like a lil bitch
- Herc and Napoleon go back to Earth for now at the behest of Napoleon's constant bitching and rest for a few weeks when suddenly BAZINGO a Zenturi appears!
- Napoleon gets the FUCC beaten out of him again before going BURSTO
- BURSTO Napoleon gets the FUCC beaten out of him
- Napoleon defeats it using a SUPER GIGA BIGGA TRIGGA NIGGA BURSTO THRUSTO GIGA DRILLBAT BREAKAH™ like in the mango and calls it a lil bitch
- The Zenturi respawns back at base and tells its commanders that it got beaten like a lil bitch
- Commander Zenturi makes evil plans like a lil bitch and act ends with zoomout to reveal their base is APOCALYPSE EARTH DUNDUNDUN (ZIMBABWE!)
- Maybe some foreshadowing with either Kucorbian or Napoleon losing some grip on Swarm 1 idk fuck it
- weren't the Obsidian Death supposed to be in Not Applicable
- they started out as NA villains but just kinda got transferred over to Tech 10
- they never contributed much to NA anyways I guess so fuck it they can stay out
- FUCKING NORMIES GET OUT OF MY SHITTY FANFICTION MOVIE REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE